choice

what a week. i got to the lowest low. it was a deep, dark, hallow drop. a free fall with emotions so big and heavy i couldn’t do anything but plunge deeper. darker. i had a choice. die… or live. made a therapy appointment. drank some water. called my friends. called my mom. read two […]

at least i changed my clothes

i changed my clothes today. my oldest pointed out over breakfast that i’ve been wearing the same shirt since sunday. i put on workout gear. socks and shoes and everything. but then i had a panic attack. took a pill. meditated while the dog licked my ankles. there’s only 2 things on my list today. […]

not okay

i am not okay. just not okay at all. i’ve been in a hole. a deep, deep, dark one. i am so hurt and lost and angry. i’m scared. i’m anxious and i’m having trouble getting out of bed. i’ve been moving only when my kids are around. drinking, crying, staring, sleeping. it’s just about […]

my number

this week has been all about the money. he wants my “number.” what’s it gonna take, rachel? how much do you want? i wish there was a number that would fix all this. a pile of cash that would end the worry. a dollar amount that would stop the hurt. how about 15? that’s the […]

milestones and wishing him dead

divorce is not for the weak. we’ve been at this breakup for 2 months now. 2 months. it feels like we still have so far to go but tonight i’m allowing myself to remember that we’ve already survived several big divorce milestones. i won’t torture myself by reviewing them all but it’s good to know […]

life rafts

this week, y’all. this week. never before have i dealt with such gross, disgusting, skanky drama. i was unprepared for the pounding that was coming. wave after wave from a giant emotional hurricane nearly drown me. eventually, i will write about it. and about the incessant screaming thoughts that loop on repeat in my head. […]

my husband’s girlfriend’s husband

i could spend an afternoon recalling the phone call with my husband’s girlfriend’s husband. (a sentence i never in a million years thought i would write) but i’ll save that for my mom and my girlfriends and cocktails. many many cocktails. this poor dumb husband. he was me just a couple of months ago. clueless. […]

low, meet lower

i do some event planning. mostly party decorations for large events at my church. imagine a giant room, 200 guests, 20+ tables…and a $500 decorating budget. for real, i’m not kidding. $500. i kill myself for these parties. obviously, i don’t have the budget for flowers or to hire anyone to make anything…so i craft […]

feeeeeeeeeeeeelings

my hubby went to italy this week on business. or to hide our money. hard to say. his family owned company is based there and we have an apartment there. also a bank account that i have no access to in the same city. the company sold in june but there are still odds and […]

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