feeeeeeeeeeeeelings

my hubby went to italy this week on business. or to hide our money. hard to say. his family owned company is based there and we have an apartment there. also a bank account that i have no access to in the same city. the company sold in june but there are still odds and ends and 90 days blah blah until the money is his. HIS.

italy is where his powerful family lives with their powerful lawyers.

he hasn’t seen the kids in 2 weeks. my youngest wanted to text him last night. of course with the time change, hubby’s response comes hours later while my son is sleeping. i’m caught in the middle of a game of texting tag. they’re talking about pokemon cards and gelato and i’m biting my nails terrified our money is mysteriously evaporating.

they say uncertainty leads to fear. and fear leads to the crazy emotional shit show. i may have reworded that one a tad but the meaning is the same. the shit show is where divorces get ugly. it’s the place where no one wins. it’s the place i desperately don’t want to go.

i have painstakingly taken every calculated step up to this point by surgically removing the emotion filled tumors attached. use your thinking brain, rach. NOT your feeling brain. be smart. this is business. you can feel when you’re home alone. poker face. business. think. smart. wait. just wait a little longer.

wait.

the uncertainty has nose dived deep deep into the fear. i’m scared shitless of being alone with no money. this fear is compromising all that good, solid thinking brain business. feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings are growing.

here’s the most powerful weapon i have to fight the rising emotions. it’s just a little thing i repeat to myself. i’m free. i’m free. i’m free. i’m free. whatever happens will be okay because…

i’m free.

pretty smart, huh? take that, stupid feelings.

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